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Questions I asked myself:

Do I want to get involved in a group at my age?

Will I be dredging up things best long forgotten?

Or, will I be rediscovering gems?

Maybe, if I dredge them up, I’ll start to see me.

Or, I could focus on the gems.

Do I really want to go there? Am I afraid?

Of what? This could be exciting!

But, do I really want to go there?

To others who may be contemplating a journey down memory lane:

Fear not, its not uncharted territory. You’ve been there and done that.
You have only to open doors, perhaps long closed.
Memories will be released from exile.
Like butterflies, they will flutter out faster than you can commit them to paper.
Some memories are gifts that make you smile on dreary days.
Like wine, they may have improved with age, especially if they are seasoned with humor and compassion.
Other memories may need to be tucked away and dealt with after the aging process has softened their impact.
So, jump in. Open a door or two.
See what flutters out. If you have children, they’ll love them.
Mine do.
So many things I never shared with them because I didn’t think it was important.
I was wrong.
 
 
Jean Burr, December 15, 2009

Waiting on my senior peeps. Gonna miss them

Waiting on my senior peeps…gonna miss them.

This week brings to a close the Fall session of “A Course in Memories: Writing Your Legacy,” an Adult Education course held at Williamson High School, which I teach every Monday from 4:30-6pm. It has been both an honor and a pleasure, and I look forward to returning again in the fall.

Teach is a strong word in this instance, as there really are no instructions offered. We are more voyeurs, listening to the lives of each student who cares to share their story with us, their classmates. Family albums have been spread across tables, pictures ripped from living room walls, and CD home movies played on my laptop. We truly become part of each other lives. I’m not surprised long lasting friendships are formed in that corner classroom.

Putting their memories and experiences to paper is an exercise in poignancy and tenderness. We are often moved to tears and sometimes laugh until we realize its time to go. Learning a history of someone’s life, glimpsing briefly into the edges of their hearts has been rewarding beyond words. Wars, romance, heartbreak, death; its all there, and then some.

Some students from the Spring session have returned to continue their books, which is a personal thrill for me. Hearing their stories read aloud is akin to watching a serial movie every week. I can’t wait to hear the next chapter. There is never any pressure to share what they’ve written, but no one ever seems to mind. Sometimes the information gleaned from their memories is personal and meant only for the eyes of their intended recipient. That idea is respected and encouraged. There seems to be a level of trust in the room, however, and long held secrets and private hurts are sometimes uncovered, surprising even themselves as they read it aloud. Voices hushed, tinged with sadness or loud with humor, we never know what we are going to hear – and that’s what is so rewarding about this class. There is no “wrong” way to do this.

Every week I hand them a list of ‘triggers,’ questions to give rise to a memory either long buried or close to the surface. It’s really like the proverbial “box of chocolates;” we never know what we’re going to get. But I know I am not alone in my excitement when I pose the same question that starts every class.

“Ok, who wants to start first?”

Cheesecake solves everything.

Christmas will soon be here, and I am again perplexed as to what gifts to give. 

My grandkids gift requests are simple; they will be happy with whatever Nana and Grampy get them.   Buying gifts for them reminds me of when I and *Santa* shopped for their parents as children.

Their world was filled with Ninja turtles, Ghostbusters and Cabbage Patch dolls.  Voltron robots, Thunder Cat figures and G.I. Joes were the beginning of marketing cartoon characters, one of the most ingenious consumer purchasing ploys ever invented.

Moving into the cherished grandparent status, I won’t get a disapproving look if they open a package containing underwear or sweater sets.  It’s one of the freebies you get when they are no longer looking to you for the home run package – dollies and trucks when they were young, video games and makeup when they are teens.

Soon they will all be waving goodbye to their twenties, looking forward to blossoming careers and burgeoning bellies full with new life.    It passes way too quickly; I remember wishing I could freeze those years and live them forever.

It was then I realized what I would give them if I were able: The gift of time.  The knowledge to realize how quickly the smiling faces and wet, toothless grins are gone, way too soon.  To appreciate the light shining in their faces when they comprehend words and meanings as they read a full sentence for the first time.  It is a memory frozen in the back of my mind as I rejoiced with them as their first teacher.

Even the teenage year, as tumultuous and heart wrenching as they may be at time, should be held up against who they were and what they will become.   First loves and first heartaches, I wish I could go back and do it all over again.  I wouldn’t do a thing differently; I don’t think they would want me to, anyway.

So this year I gave them all the same gift.  A cherry wood wall clock with a pendulum and hourly chimes to announce the passing hours.  Mindful they not waste a minute of this life they have been given and the opportunity to cherish the time left, I hope it will serve not only as a reminder of what is possible for them, but also remain as a loving memory from the one who gave them the gift of life and time in the first place.

Nightfall came early now, as the clocks had been turned back to start the season. Moonlit walkways revealed themselves to the pedestrian sooner than the sun splashed avenues one was familiar with earlier in the season.

It was Autumn. And it was time for Vidalia’s brothers and sisters to start falling away.

Vidalia knew it would be her time too, and soon.

She flew along, landing on various surfaces, stopping a moment to stretch her legs. Never lilting too long on one particular place, for she was well aware she was not well liked by many. Her life span was short as it was, and so she did not take care to make too many friends or develop deep relationships.

Vidalia never quite figured out what her purpose in life was. She knew she was put on the earth for a reason, but didn’t quite grasp the significance until after she was gone, a mere remembrance of a summer’s day.

They traveled in packs, most of them looking out for one another, instinctively hovering over the small ones, those whose wings had not developed and were forced to squirm amongst each other. One by one, their wings did sprout and they quickly flew to wherever the scent of the day directed them. They flew great distances in a short period of time, for they were always hungry and always amorous. Whether they were flying to meet their true love or land on a basket of apple blossoms, they achieved their task with great determination and perseverance.

I spoke to Vidalia as she had reached the final leg of her journey, arriving after many days of non stop flying and amorous adventure. She had landed on my bare leg and was washing her face, looking up at me with a satisfied smile and a knowing sense of accomplishment. She knew her end was near and she finally knew what she had to do.

“My brothers and sisters have fallen away” she started.

“Yes, I know” I replied a little uneasy. I knew very well how soon her end would be arriving, although I did not know by what method would cause her demise.

Up on the horizon I spied Riley’s dad coming towards me with two cups of steaming hot coffee wrapped in a kitchen towel, one of our rituals to end a beautiful fall evening. He saw me sitting on the rock near my favorite spot on the waterfront, and motioned with his head to make room on the rock for him. He had not heard my conversation with Vidalia.

“Do you have any regrets, dear Vidalia?” I asked solemnly as she made herself comfortable for her final journey.

Vidalia looked at me with peace and contentment shining through her eyes, and let out just the teeniest sound of a forlorn sigh.

“None, Emeline” she answered.

“Although I would like to share with you the secrets of the universe if you have the time. The answers are shared between mother and daughter from generation to generation, and to be shared only with a human deemed worthy of receiving such information.”

“What?” I sat up astounded.

“You have figured out the meaning of life? The answer to all the great questions asked by the Masters? Shakespeare, Rodan, Ovid!”

She nodded. “Yes, I have spoken to them all, and I am ready to share it all with you, are you ready to receive it?”

“You have spoken with Isaac Newton, Galelio, Michelangelo?”

She nodded, again.

“Madam Curie, Jonas Salk?” I could not believe what I was hearing!

“All the great questions, whether they be regarding politics, science, music, literature. I have had great debates with the likes of any of those learned people. So I ask you again, Emeline. Are you ready to receive the answers to questions which have been asked for centuries?”

“Yes! Yes! Honey!” I called to Rileys Dad.

“Come here and listen to this! You won’t believe it!!!”

“What?” he answered calmly, bringing the towel he had wrapped the hot mugs of coffee.

“Listen to this, it’s absolutely astounding, you won’t believe…”

“Hold still” he said suddenly and slapped the towel upon my knee, killing Vidalia instantly.

“Damn fly…” he muttered.

“You were saying?”

It’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving and things around here have finally calmed down.

It all began Wednesday afternoon with the preparation for Thursday’s big dinner. The ingredients for the stuffing had been sautéed, the ‘first course’ soup bubbling on the stove. Pies baked and vegetables washed, the only thing left to do was peel the potatoes.

Peeling potatoes. If I have peeled one potato in my lifetime, I have peeled millions.

Being the oldest in an Irish house full of five children, we ate mashed potatoes every night. I mean every, single night, without fail. Sometimes mashed by hand, other times with the mixer, it was the secret ingredient for stretching the food budget for a limited but rambunctious family. My three sisters and my brother all had specific duties when it came to mealtime, but since I was the oldest and a girl, I was given the responsibility to peel the potatoes.

I actually looked forward to this job, since it gave me a sense of accomplishment. I became quite adept at de-skinning the spuds, whipping out a five pound bag in under five minutes. I also developed my trademark method of slicing the skins off quickly, handling the peeler by scraping away from me, rather than towards me, as was traditionally done.

Sitting on a stool in front of the kitchen garbage can, silver peeler held in my right hand, I would systematically turn and slice the potato held in my left until it stood white and naked, shimmering under the kitchen lights in all of its potato glory. The tip of the peeler swiftly dug out the eyes of the most stubborn interloper, creating craters envious of any man on the moon. Whether the snow fell silently on the ground or the rain slapped loudly against the kitchen window behind me, I sat there and peeled potatoes. The cool afternoon breezes of summer wafting through the screen door beside it, or the sun streaked beams of spring danced across the linoleum floor like an invited ballerina, I sat and peeled potatoes. It became a time of pondering, wondering and dreaming, long lasting and ever present in my memories.

I’ve noticed over the years the transition of the lowly potato peeler. From a slim and somewhat feminine looking piece of metal, it has become refined and bulked up into a black, thick handled Adonis. Handles which now have grips, so as to avoid the once common journey into the trash along with the skins, as the peeler became airborne once my pace picked up.

I’ve peeled potatoes during the greatest events in history, dragging the kitchen trash can into the living room to sit in front of the one television set we owned. As a young girl whose feet barely touched the ground, I sat on the couch and watched from the corner of my eye the sadness in my mother’s face as she watched President Kennedy’s coffin pass by Jackie and her children.

I sat in disbelief and watched the Challenger explode on that cold winter morning, while my own babies played on the floor, unaware of the changing of history at that moment.

I’ve sat in darker kitchens and peeled them silently, tears streaming down my face as I prayed for those who needed it and even those who didn’t.  

I’ve sat and peeled them while admonishing angry teenagers, angst filled voices screaming over the sound of the slap slap of the skins into the trash.  They yelled, I peeled.  They stamped their feet and slammed their bedroom doors, and still I peeled.  When I really wanted to throttle them, I peeled and peeled and peeled.

I’ve peeled potatoes as therapy, watching the skins pile up on the countertop as metaphors for the challenges in my life. Day after day, I would peel them away until they no longer had any power over me, becoming dark piles of yesterdays that went to the trash can outdoors and hauled away.

Countless mounds of white sustenance when all I could afford to eat as a single mother, they sustained me and those who needed me to stay healthy and strong. Even as my children grew and left to create families of their own, I peeled potatoes for one and was happy with the task of the day, a warm reminder that some things never change, that everything changes, and it was going to be all right.

Then suddenly, society’s outlook on the potato became slanted. They were now considered nuisance carbohydrates, adding unneeded pounds to those trying to lose weight. It was time for me to back away from my old friend, leaving behind my once trusted confidante and friend.

I didn’t peel a potato for nearly two years, freeing up my hands to do other chores at dinner, and finding other outlets to occupy my time. I always felt something was missed at mealtime and I was right.

Slowly and steadily, I worked the potato back into the menu, for I now had a welcome partner at the table and who enjoyed them as much as I did. It was if the world had been slightly askew, but now righted itself, with the return of mashed nirvana to my table.

Watching me grasp the peeler again in my right while I looked at the small mound of potatoes calling from the plastic bag on the counter, he gently touched my other hand and offered to start peeling.

“That’s okay.” I answered softly. “I like peeling potatoes. It’s what I do.”

I must have peeled my millionth potato this Thanksgiving week, and I can’t imagine starting the holiday doing anything else while anticipating peeling many more in the years to come.   Little faces now watch me curiously as Nana begins the afteroon again with getting ready for dinner, curious but not yet ready to assist in the duty.

When it finally is time to hand the peeler to someone else, I will sit back and watch with a smile, as the skins pile up on the countertop, signaling life continues on. I don’t think it can get much better than that.

With the arrival of another Thanksgiving dinner, I am reminded of how things have changed.

When I was a young mother with babies and cats, the preparation for the holiday seemed to take days. Scouring the newspaper ads for the various sales at the competing supermarkets was a week-long event, culminating with the Sunday paper and its Pandora’s box of colored flyers.

If I wasn’t already confused by week’s end, seeing the different prices for fresh cranberries and oranges, as well as bags of bread versus bagged ready made stuffing, I was close to the edge. Sweet potatoes or yams, mashed potatoes or baked, the choices were endless and daunting, but still, a lot of fun. Canned cranberry sauce vs. jellied? I could never decide, so I bought both. Corn, turnips, squash, I cooked it all and there was enough leftovers to feed an army.

Of course, the crowning glory was the turkey, with stuffing in it, around it, and behind it.

In my old neighborhood, no self-respecting mother would serve a store bought pie, but I always bought an apple pie to hide in the pantry, just in case my pumpkin pie was less than adequate. These were babies mind you, and if I smothered a “mistake” with whipped cream, no one was the wiser. But there were some people who kept score.

In fact, most imperfections could be hidden – dinner rolls whose bottoms were burnt could be cut off, creating “shorties.” Mashed potatoes too lumpy? Add more butter. Better yet, one could drown the whole feast in gravy.

Gravy, too, could be bought in a can or ripped from a package. I came from a long line of gravy makers, and my mother made the best. She knew how to make it, but didn’t know how to teach me. Her heart laid more in matters of the arts, creative on canvas and clay, but not in the kitchen.

My younger sister picked up cooking like a second language, and once she started talking, I was truly a foreigner.

So any time it came time to prepare a meal with gravy, my heart was heavy with the thought of messing it up once again. It was too watery, too gooey or too pasty. I tried and tried, but I just couldn’t get it. It invariably turned out lumpy and uneven, a metaphor for the life I was living, and trying not to notice.

Fast forward many years later, and although I had become more adept in the kitchen, gravies still intimidated me. As I entered a new stage in my life, with the addition of another family to add to my resume, I began to experiment with recipes and theories, both IN the kitchen and out.

I discovered the secret of the Roux.

To seasoned chefs in the kitchen, this may come as quite a surprise that I had never learned the mastery of a skill so simple. Roux. Butter, flour and pan drippings/juice from whatever you’re cooking.

As I had with so many other areas of my life over the years, I’ve had to practice, over and over and over again, the Roux. Blending and stirring the three together until they were one, the Roux must become invisible, immersed into the gravy without taste and texture.

Because just as the Roux is the foundation of any gravy, the substance you pour over your meal, so is the Roux of Life.

Love, tenderness and kindness make the Roux of a life one can be proud of. They have to be blended to form the perfect base. There will be lumps if you don’t have all three.

As with all the good things in my life, I have learned the secret of the Roux. My foundation is now secure and the recipe is complete. Everything else is gravy.

Learn to make a perfect Roux. You’ll never be sorry.

I hope whatever lumps you are trying to blend into your life, may you temper the stirring with patience, kindness and tolerance. I hope you have a wonderful and Happy Thanksgiving, now and forever.

SECOND FIDDLE

I’m not good at second fiddle
I have to be out in front
I’m not the kind who fakes it
I never learned to punt

I’m not that good at second string
I have to lead the way
I don’t know how to follow you
I never learned to play

So hold my hand as steadily
As you rosin up the bow
Teach me how to pluck the strings
That’s all I need to know

For when I sit and think about
The darkness of the night
The quiet times between the songs
My eyes don’t have the sight

For I never learned to see through pain
I haven’t got the knack
But shattered souls are gifts from God
‘Cos light shines through the cracks

No, I can’t stand for second fiddle
I have to sing the lead
So pick a song you silly one
And try some harmony

For you will be much happier
If I win this one for now
You can show me what to play
And I can show you how

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